Wow. The Doctor Who New Year special this year is kind of a masterpiece of bad writing. I mean, it's so bad, it's kind of implausible. I'm tempted to think Chris Chibnall intentionally wrote a bad episode. There are no excuses about a cramped production schedule this time, he had plenty of time to cook this up. I doubt anyone watching this could enjoy it on the level of a work of fiction but it's kind of a fascinating wreck.
I actually kind of liked the opening scene at first. We meet two new characters at a storage facility--the proprietor, Sarah (Aisling Bea), and her customer, Nick (Adjani Salmon). Sarah is in a foul mood, being forced to come to work on New Year's Eve at the place she owns while she receives texts she can't mute from friends partying. But she has to be there, I guess, because Nick always comes by on New Year's Eve to drop off stuff. Why does she have to be open for one customer? Maybe because he's her only customer. That is what she says, that he's her only customer. Except later in the episode we find out there's a customer named Jeff who's stored a bunch of explosives on the fifth floor.
Oh, yeah, I said I kind of liked the first scene. Well, director Annetta Laufer does a decent job at pacing and after the hazy jumble of "The Flux", it was kind of refreshing.
The Doctor (Jodie Whittaker), Dan (John Bishop), and Yaz (Mandip Gill) show up in the basement. The TARDIS is doing some kind of reset and they can't be inside while it's happening. Unbeknownst to them, there's a Dalek (Nicholas Briggs) on the premises exterminating Nick and Sarah. Or I guess I should say "executing" since these are apparently new Executioner Daleks. Which means they kill people so they're basically like the other Daleks.
Maybe they're not as well armoured since Dan is able to tap the eye stalk of one without any ill effects. He's also able to evade its laser by running circles around it. Remember how the Ninth Doctor episode "Dalek" made one Dalek seem like a nightmare machine? Remember when the first Thirteenth Doctor New Year special tried to remake "Dalek"? We're a long way from that, aren't we?
This is a Groundhog Day style story so everyone gets exterminated multiple times. Which you'd think would make the Daleks seem more effective except we get shots of a Dalek completely missing the whole group of people when they're stuck in a hallway together. Not even Imperial Stormtroopers are so imprecise. Anyway, everyone's constantly getting killed about seven minutes to midnight and each time they start off with one minute less. Which Sarah reasons at one point means that Nick soon won't be able to escape. There's no explanation for her rationale. He manages to escape once when two Daleks shoot each other accidentally. After that, his inability to escape due to the time window shrinking is never mentioned again.
They can't leave the building because Sarah discovers there's a forcefield covering the front door. This forcefield is never explained. Sarah says there isn't one over the back door but doesn't explain how she knows this. Surely she could only know it by going out through the door but that would mean we'd have to show her deciding whether she should go get help or try to get everyone out of the building herself. Or just run in terror.
After they're all killed the first time, the Doctor wonders why they don't come across dead Nick even though we didn't see them come across him the first time. She also mentions there are only two other people in the building and doesn't explain how she knows this. This may be because this isn't in fact the second time loop and we weren't shown the real first few loops. Except Dan has a line where he says they're getting killed a "second" time and the Dalek says, "Correct." Which means, though the Dalek says that they're "learning", it wasn't from an earlier loop that the Dalek can remember. No-one seems to have any trouble remembering previous loops in any case.
Maybe Chibnall was feeling completely unmotivated and just thought, "I know. I'll do a Groundhog Day story. Everyone does those now and it seems easy." Except it's not easy, is it, Chris? Though, once again, I'm reluctant to put too much blame on him. I noticed the opening credits, which for so long used to only include the names of the stars and the writer, now prominently features the producer credit, for Sheena Bucktowonsing, ahead of the director and writer. What the hell, at this point you might as well throw all the credits up like any other series. Introduce us to your army of executive producers squeezing their fingers into this pie. Or maybe they're not so eager to show their names at this point.
They're really making up for lost time casting Irish characters and actors, which is kind of nice. Though Aisling Bea is extremely unpleasant, though not as bad as her standup comedy (she's a comedienne).
Oh, I almost forgot the best part. It turns out Yaz is in love with the Doctor. When Yaz and Dan are alone together he brings it up. She says, "Is it that obvious?" at which point I heard every viewer in the world collectively say, "NO." He mentions being able to see it clearly in the four years they spent together. You know, off screen. Which is apparently where all the chemistry is between Yaz and the Doctor.
I mean, it's not even half-baked. It's barely dough. It was so bad and so out of place that it was genuinely hilarious. Especially on top of all the other problems with the episode and the Thirteenth Doctor era as a whole. I guess I'd like to see Jodie Whittaker and Mandip Gill make out. They don't have as much chemistry as the two anonymous bikini babes Howard Stern brought on Jay Leno back in the '90s. But whatever, I'll take what I can get. Though if the idea was to present positive LGBTQ+ representation, this is just possibly not the best way to accomplish it.
Doctor Who is available on the BBC iPlayer.
Twitter Sonnet #1508
So what to make of chunks of ice ahead?
The jagged, bobbing shapes like broken glass.
We stand beside the cat we put to bed.
Amid the snows of quiet years to pass.
A tiger chased a cow behind the clock.
A dancing team adopted rusty skates.
Olympic records bust the busy dock.
Across the day, a cherry year awaits.
With thoughts of foxes phones were shipped abroad.
Excessive salt consumes the gentle cake.
Construction paper hands can now applaud.
To-morrow's wind instructs the roving rake.
Another glowing box arrives to-day.
Returning champs avenge the slight delay.
