Wealth of the Doctor

Ever since it was announced that this upcoming season of Doctor Who would be Peter Capaldi's last, rumours have run rampant as to who will next be Who. I can now report, based on a highly reliable source, that I have learned the identity of the actor who's been chosen to portray the thirteenth incarnation of the Doctor in the long running series.

Spoilers Ahead

Incoming showrunner Chris Chibnall has tapped legendary British comedic actor Terry-Thomas for the coveted lead role on Doctor Who. Although Terry-Thomas passed away in 1990, my source says that when Chibnall saw Rogue One and Peter Cushing resurrected via computer generated imagery, "a floodgate of ideas was opened." It seemed virtually any actor in the history of film and television was now available especially as the price tag for such effects has decreased significantly. Even so, it's expected most of the budget for the first season with cgi Terry-Thomas will be consumed by the cost of recreating the actor's likeness and mannerisms but Chibnall has fought emphatically for this. As such, the format for the first season of the Thirteenth Doctor will be set largely on Earth with hints that, like the Third Doctor, Thirteen will find himself confined to this world by the Time Lords.

Known for playing over the top, obnoxious upper class figures, Terry-Thomas has been said to have perfected the cad. His version of the Doctor is expected to be less a satire of the callous rich and more of an attempt to reclaim the image of the ultra wealthy for a more positive portrayal sensitive to the sensibilities of modern viewers.

"A big part of this decision was the show's new popularity in America," says my source. Although Terry-Thomas rose to fame in Britain, he is, or was, well-known in the U.S. for appearances in films such as It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World, appearances someone behind the scenes at Doctor Who still feels are current in the public imagination in the states. "Following the election of Donald Trump, Americans want to see a gentleman who espouses a belief in a lifestyle that celebrates personal worth and the carefree pursuit of pleasure, one who does so with a certain kind of style," my source tells me. "Most importantly, this Doctor doesn't give a hang what anyone thinks."

The Thirteenth Doctor will be quite proud of the wealth he has accrued by stock market manipulations he's managed with the use of his TARDIS. The new companion, Bill, will be departing the show after this season, as has been widely expected, and my source says that they're currently seeking an actress who is blonde, buxom, and "a bit dim".

The estate of Terry-Thomas has not signed off on this decision. Whether or not this will have any impact on the casting decision remains to be seen.

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To seals of arcing panic bells'll sing.
Paeans of icy fortune wrote a death.
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