Tuesday, September 30, 2003

Monday, September 29, 2003

Currently drinking a bottle of Aquafina water and noticing that the bottle is very phallic shaped. It's an exceptionally slender bottle at 16.9 fluid ounces with a domed, sort of mushroom shaped top. This top also bears faint ridges, which further indicates the thing was designed for her pleasure.

I don't wanna think about the fact that I got this bottle at my mother's house.


My sister works at a restaurant called Claim Jumper and it seems she had to call 911 Sunday night because one of the customers was having a ceisure.

My dad is a fireman, so of course he showed up in his paramedic, fire-truck thingy. And so it seems that I have people in my family who do service to the human race.

What a misguided endeavour.

Sunday, September 28, 2003

Didn't talk Tim into watching Pulp Fiction. Instead, I went to Target with him where he bought some storage containers. Apparently, his parents have finally put their feet down and have ordered him to clean his room. Which is too bad, because his room was such a wonderful colage of random junk. I love messy rooms. Maybe because I haven't got a messy room. True, I don't have a room . . .

After Tim's, I stayed up rather late drawing this.

Aside from wanting to flatter Nar'eth, I think I drew it mainly because I hadn't drawn anything but Doll Merchant in quite a while. It's been a very long time since I used my colour pencils. And this was the first time I ever in my life attempted to colour in leather garments, which was difficult, but not as difficult as I'd thought it would be.

I think to-day, I'll catch up with all the school work that's due to-morrow . . .

Saturday, September 27, 2003

Not much to say to-day. I spent my time last night organising stuff on the computer (as you can see, I changed my blog a bit. Made it more streamlined, I hope. And, of course, I replaced the bird gentleman with a naked alien pretty lady).

To-day I think I'll go to Tim's house and try to talk him into watching Pulp Fiction. It's just a crime that he hasn't seen that movie yet. A crime.

After Tim's, I'm going to do some Other Things . . .

Friday, September 26, 2003

I am so uncute.

Cute 01
Rate Your Cuteness!

brought to you by Quizilla

Found the test on Mel's journal.
It's nearly 5pm, and I've just finished breakfast, how pathetic am I?

Not the first time . . . although, this time I have a somewhat reasonable excuse. I got to sleep at around 4am and had to get up at 8am while some realtor showed the house to some people . . . Yes, looks like I'm going to have have to pack up all my stuff again pretty soon and move to someplace else. Looks like it'll be Tierrasanta, which I always thought of as being a nice part of town. Of course, it'll cement my dependency on the motor vehicle, which ought to make me worried that I still need to get some new car insurance before November . . . I want it to be November so's I can see the Two Towers extended edition! It's not fair that I should want that month to come both soon and late.

Anyway, the realtor didn't leave until 10am, and it wasn't until then that I was able to go back to sleep. I did type up a lot of writing in the interrum, so at least I was productive . . .

I'd intended to stay in all day, but I'm starting to rather want to get out . . .

I read Caitlin R. Kiernan's Postcards from the King of Tides last night and got all intimidated, like I got reading Age of Innocence. You know, some brilliant works, for some reason, don't remind me of my short-comings as a writer, yet these somehow do. So I also read through bits of my novel last night, which is dangerous, because no matter how tired I am, reading over stuff I've written always has me compulsively editing it.


Thursday, September 25, 2003

As I was walking along in the mall to-day, a young woman asked me who was on my shirt.

"Robert Smith," I said. It's a black t-shirt with Robert Smith's big pale face with a dash of red lipstick. Under his chin, in red letters, it says, "The Cure."

"And what's the cure for?" she asked.

"The Cure's actually a band," said I.

"Oh . . . so it's the cure for entertainment?" she deduced cheerfully.

"No, no. The band's name is 'The Cure'." No one understands me.

"Oh! . . . I went to a Misfits concert once. Are they anything like The Misfits? Like, rock n' roll?" Yes, this individual was not attended by a parent, and in fact looked to be around thirty years in age.

"I haven't heard much of The Misfits' stuff, but I don't think so."

She said, "Oh, neat! How's your cell phone?" which I should have seen coming. Only some goofy Verizon salesperson would feel perfectly natural in the bizarrely pathetic-little-neighbour-kid-trying-to-fit-in tactic of "You like music? Me too! Let's be buddies!"


I started writing a new short story at my aunt's Starbucks. Looks like the first non Sci-Fi/Fantasy fiction I've ever written in my life. It's a little noir-ish.

And just before going to my blog here, I finished watching a Stephen Frears film noir that Marty lended me called The Grifters. It was terribly good and surprisingly disturbing.

Wednesday, September 24, 2003

For some reason, to-day my grandmother was trying to peddle Bill O'Reilly's book off on my aunt as my aunt was trying to walk out the door. My grandmother said something about O'Reilly's relationship with Cardinal Law and I piped in "Wouldn't it be funny if there was a Marshal Law?"

My aunt said, "The Marshal Law? There is a Marshal Law, it's called the Marshal Plan."

My grandmother said, "No, Cardinal Law is a person."

I said, "Yeah, I know. I'm saying what if he were in the military--like, Marshal's a rank in the military. And there's also m-a-r-t-i-a-l for Martial Law. Like when there's a police state."

"The Marshal Plan," said my aunt, nodding.

My grandmother said, "No, he means martial arts."

I gave up at that point.

Tuesday, September 23, 2003

Found this quiz on Mel's journal . . .

You are Mary Bell.
You are Mary Bell. At the ripe old age of 10 you
strangled a neighbor boy, afterwhich you carved
your initals into his skin. At his funreal you
laughed. Your next victim was a 3 year old. You
pushed him off the roof, resulting in a broken
skull. After he was found you went to his
mothers house and asked to see him, she replied
tha t he was dead. You smiled brightly and said
'Oh, I know he's dead. I wanted to see him in
his coffin."
You horrid little girl you.
-smacks your hand-

Which Imfamous criminal are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

It's pretty accurate, I think.


I had a really good day yesterday. I skipped class and Trisa and I hung out all day. She gave me things . . .

Monday, September 22, 2003

. . . I can't sleep.

This may have to do with the fact that I slept in 'til 1pm on Sunday. It may have to do with the fact that I had four meatless, soy corn dogs for dinner. It may also have to do with the thermos of very strong coffee coffee I finished drinking a few hours ago. Or it may even be because when I lay down in my bed, my mind starts boiling about my current animosities, my current fears, and my current causes for sorrow.

This whole year has been one period of change after another.

I currently find myself at a point where I've realised that I can neither trust or depend on some of the people I once considered my closest friends. And of course, at the same time I have to be wondering whether or not I'm suffering from paranoid delusions. I have to wonder that, you see. I think it could have something to do with the fact that I grew up with a mother who quite casually and frequently lied to me in her attempts to manipulate me. And, in case anyone reading's ever given thought to trying out this technique, I'll tell you now it doesn't work. The truth is invariably found out, if not by the conscious mind, then at least by the spirit.

In any case, I currently find myself in a state where I am far happier alone than I am when I have meaningful relationships with other people. And it doesn't actually feel like there's anything wrong with me, it merely feels like a preference. And I still derive pleasure from superficial relationships, where I just chat or play with someone who shares my interests.

So why do I attempt to have deeper relationships?

Let's see . . . I guess it's not so much a need for companionship with a human, as it is a need to bond with specific humans. It's not that I seek a relationship, it's that I seek a soul. And the only path to a soul that I know of, is through a relationship. Is there another way to gain possession of a soul? Paging Mr. Lucifer . . .

Anyway, I did a new page of Doll Merchant. It's been a while since I've done a page at night . . .

Sunday, September 21, 2003

I am very angry to-day.

Very angry.

My anger has actually given me a headache. I'm so disgusted with 90% of reality right now that, if I had the means, I'd probably destroy the world.

I won't go into why I'm so angry . . . There're a lot of reasons.

I wish I had more money. But on the other hand, I can't think of anywhere money would take me that wouldn't piss me off . . .

Saturday, September 20, 2003

Just looking over the Forbes listing of 400 richest Americans (don't ask me why) and noticing that the list still includes one Rockefeller and several Hearsts.

Some things will just make you angry, huh?

I despise nearly everyone on this list, except maybe George Lucas and Steven Spielburg.


I dreamt last night that I still lived in my old neighbourhood (from when I was 12 or so) and I was over at a neighbour's house. This guy (who I've never seen in real life) had two kids, two little boys. It was around midnight when I told him that his children were in trouble.

"No," he told me, "they're just outside playing."

"Then let's go find them," I said.

So we began searching the dark streets, finding no one, our sense of panic deepening. We split up.

On one very long, wide street, I spotted a little boy walking in the dead centre. This was not one of the little boys we were looking for. This boy was much younger, not even two years old, and very pale. He walked with an awkward, stumpy little stride and I wondered how he had gotten so far away from his adult supervisors--he was alone. When I approached him, he spoke to me in the deep voice of an adult with a thick German accent. After I brought him home to his mustached and smiling father and his plump, blushing mother, I resumed my search.

Many times I saw the silhouettes of children in the distance but somehow knew that no one would ever reach them.


I've been treading on dangerous territory lately--nostalgic territory. I've been watching my Evangelion tapes and last night I even broke out my Star Trek tapes. I haven't watched my Star Trek tapes since before I was kicked out of my mom's house . . . The commercials back then were so innocent and so, come to think of it, was Star Trek . . .

Friday, September 19, 2003

Avast and stand well, me hearties, for with me swings a lantern's tale
Aye, for who best sees ye cats sympathies for the gable and turn
And out on the line o' sea does the perty Apollo burn, aye
We 'aven't got a plane to ogle and swap the bloody swallow

Who aught me lass go 'un?
I take me hearty glass for fun
Drep te coast and loverly bossoms
Girl, me friend e'er me cosms

So one "arr" rides more on for her
Ye see no great troubles singing 'll incur
So take saucy dance with saucy drepin' lass
And hoist the dead men over
Hoist the dead men
Hoist the dead men over the river they need pass . . .
An' we sail on top o' the water, cut a' glass, cut a' glass

Thursday, September 18, 2003

I wanna go back to sleep. Dasani's not as good the next day.

Yesterday my sister told me that she and her boyfriend had broken up. When I said, "I'm sorry," she just said, "It's okay," and didn't seem to think there was much to talk about.

It turns out, she dumped him because he cancelled a date and because he didn't know what Brail was and he didn't know who Helen Keller was.

Suddenly I'm glad I never had a girlfriend in high school.


I did get around to reading The Miller's Tale yesterday and . . . damn. The Farley brothers are but amatuers. Chaucer had raunch and fart jokes nailed six hundred years ago.

I also looked for Neil Gaiman's new book, Endless Nights, but it was of course sold out at both comic book shops I went to. I suppose I'll try next Wednesday . . .

Wednesday, September 17, 2003

Gods . . . I'm angry.

Tuesday was . . . disapointing. True, it could've been worse. I could've had Trisa's day. Her day looked like it was far worse than mine, poor dear.

Now I am, once again, drinking a Mountain Dew whilst making a blog entry. Now it's almost an hour later than last night's, though. I'm making progress.

I'm supposed to be reading the miller's tale from Cantabury Tales at the moment. But I don't feel like it. I haven't been good for much lately. Feeling sludgy.

I typed up more of chapter 71 one to-day, but otherwise got little done.

I'm currently tired of the human condition.

Tuesday, September 16, 2003

Did you know that Peppermint Patty was a swinger?

I just drank a full bottle of Mountain Dew, and it's made me realise that I've been going to bed awfully early lately . . . It's not even 2am, and I feel like I should be going to sleep . . .

Monday, September 15, 2003

Awakened this morning by fear!

Fear of what exactly, I'm not sure. I just found myself suddenly griped by a mysterious, rapidly escalating sensation of panic. Dunno what caused it. Perhaps it was all the pizza and coke and chocolate cake I ate last night.

I was flat broke yesterday. Actually, I'm even flatter broke to-day as yesterday I scrounged together just enough money to buy a cup of coffee at Starbucks so that I might write at that place. Seems I can't simply go at the pen and paper at home anymore . . . At any rate, I did get a good deal of writing done. I wrote roughly half of chapter 77--no, not chapter 78 because, as you remember, I discovered that what I'd been calling chapter 77 for weeks was in fact chapter 76. I think. By the time I'm done with the first draft and I've gone through the whole thing carefully, I may find it to be chapter 2. Maybe.

I did find out why my room smelled of an aquarium yesterday, and why the adjoining bathroom smelled even more aquarium-esque. I won't say much about it, except that 1) it wasn't my fault and that 2) humans and fish really aren't so different as we perhaps like to believe.

Sunday, September 14, 2003

Why does my room smell like an aquarium? Ew?

Saw a nice fellow Nebari on Caitlin Kiernan's forum this morning mention the upcoming Shadows Over Baker Street. A terrible thing to show a penniless soul like myself. Of course I have until the 30th to pull money together . . .

Sherlock Holmes meets H.P. Lovecraft, as written by Caitling Kiernan, Neil Gaiman, Poppy Z Brite, and others . . . I want it so badly I can taste the badness sizzling behind my eyes. Oi ouch. I want it!

I have a number of things to do to-day . . .

Saturday, September 13, 2003

Watching the detectives to-day . . .

As I read The Adventure of the Bruce-Partington Plans earlier, I was struck by how odd it is that the best collection of the original, Arthur Conan Doyle, Sherlock Holmes only seems to be available for free, here. All of the so-called "Complete" Sherlock Holmes collections at the stores omit the original illustrations, thereby, in my opinion, making them decidedly incomplete.

After reading that, I watched an episode of Twin Peaks for the first time in a very long time. I love Agent Cooper.

. . .

Victoria the cat does not meow to-day, so much as 'quacks'. Exactly like a duck.

It's just true.

Friday, September 12, 2003

I'm sleepy. And lacking optimism, pessimism, and cynicism. I am void. My teeth hurt. Although not as bad as they did a few days ago. It's as if the pain's diluted into a big, general bruise.

I bought the second issue of Neil Gaiman's 1602 yesterday and it is good. It is a good series.

. . . yaaaaawn . . .

I wish this computer worked properly so that I could play some TIE Fighter.

Last night I had this crazy idea about going through all my old Star Trek tapes and finding the episodes I really loved. I didn't do that. What will I do?

So far to-day I did type up some of chapter 70 of my novel. I have a lot more in my notebook than what I've typed, and it is a little daunting at this point . . .

Thursday, September 11, 2003

Hello, hello. It's been a few days, I know, Seituyo Blog. How're you? Oh yeah, you don't talk.

I felt like laughing a lot yesterday. I had Ed Wynn singing "I Love to Laugh" in my head.

At Target yesterday, I saw Tim buy a can of coke for a dollar. A can. In fact, a less than eight ounce can. Why was it so expensive? Because it was in a can the size and shape of an energy drink can--like a red bull can.

So basically Coca-Cola is marketing a new energy drink. And that energy drink is . . . Classic Coca-Cola.

It's absolutely no different from a regular coke.

Tim hailed this as marketing genius and bought it completely for that reason.

That made me laugh.


To-day I finally finished what I thought was chapter 77, but what turns out to be chapter 76. It's so frelling huge, I think I'll probably divide it into several chapters.

In any case, I'm on the last page of my outline for part 8 which means, interestingly enough, that part 8 is both the longest part in the book as so far and the part that took me the least amount of time to write. Or it seems that way at least . . . I guess I began part 8 in May . . . so maybe it was a goodly amount of time. Seems like it went by really quick, though.


To-day's September 11th . . . How odd. And how odd that that's now odd.

Anyway . . . peace.

Sunday, September 07, 2003

A couple weeks ago, I read an old article by Johnny Depp about the time he hung out with Allen Ginsberg. Depp discribes Ginsberg as constantly flirting with him but, in the midst of this, Ginsberg apparently played for Depp a recording of Oscar Wilde reading an excerpt from Ballad of Reading Gaol.

Ever since reading that, I've kinna desperately wanted to get my hands on a copy of this recording. So I was naturally very disapointed when I came across this article, which asserts that the recording, believed genuine for almost fifty years, was probably a fake.

And that just sucks.

It's weird to think that Ginsberg died thinking that he had heard the voice of Oscar Wilde. Does that, too, suck, I wonder?


Typed a lot yesterday. To-day I think I'll eat.

Saturday, September 06, 2003

Looks like they still show Mystery Science Theatre 3000 on Sci-Fi channel, Saturdays at 9am. If Sci-Fi channel was all Farscape and MST3K, it'd be a very good channel indeed.

What've these two shows got in common, other than being brilliant, having a huge cult following, and having been cancelled by Sci-Fi for no apparent reason? One other thing; puppets. I guess I like puppets.


Seems my blog's not loading. Don't know when this post might appear. Why do I have a bad feeling about to-day?

Friday, September 05, 2003

Still don't know what's wrong with this damned computer . . . It can hardly open web sites anymore. No one I know seems to know what's causing the system to use 100% of the CPU, all the time, for no apparent reason. Gods, it pisses me off.

Last night, at Tim's, playing Soul Calibur II, I spent fifty minutes using some rapier wielding new character named Raphael, fighting Inferno, on extremely hard difficulty. It took me fifty minutes to beat him, I mean.

I only a few days ago started playing Soul Calibur II. So why did I insist on playing at extremely hard difficulty? Because my fucking personality would not be satisfied with any victory on an easier mode.

I finally stumbled home, fatigued from a day of bitter, mostly futile, vicious feeling. Very appreciatively listened to "Marilyn, My Bitterness" by The Cr├╝xshadows.

I'm going to spend to-day doing Stuff. First of all, a new page of Doll Merchant . . . it's been a while, huh?

Thursday, September 04, 2003

I's feeling very gollum at the moment, yes precious. I wants to wring necks, wants to open up filthy head, yes precious.

I'm definately very keyed up to-day, and jealousy's a lousy thing. Got to go distract myself . . .
Just watched Victoria the cat spread her hind legs very far apart, duck her head down between them, and begin licking herself. This is, as many cat owners will know, a very common sight. But it only just now occured to me how very sexy it would be for a human woman to do this. She'd have to be a contortionist, course . . . My, what a filthy mind I have to-day.

For no reason whatsoever, I started whistling the theme to Super Mario Brothers at the cat, and this caused her to look at me with an intense, fearfully fascinated expression on her face. And it finally prompted her to walk slowly and cautiously away, and quietly crawl under my bed.


Did some vicious writing at the mall to-day. A very violet action scene that caused me to sweat all over the page. Maybe this is not professional? Well, damn it all, it was fun.

I haven't been writing much lately, so I'm very glad to have written so very much to-day. I'm almost finished with the very, very long chapter 77.

Wednesday, September 03, 2003

Just got a junk e-mail titled "Feeling too small in your bed?"

I suppose they didn't mean to conjure the image of a 16-inch tall, little man, quivering under the sheets of his ominously vast bed, terrified of whatever gigantic monsters might be lurking in the shadows. I can even hear his high pitched, tiny voice crying, "Heeeeeeeeelp me!"

Tuesday, September 02, 2003

Yesterday had a lot to do with video gaming nostalgia.

After I made that entry, I installed and played a game called TIE Fighter, a game I was quite thoroughly obsessed with during high school. Unfortunately, whatever strange spirit it is that has hold of my computer, causing the system to use 100% of the CPU 99% of the time, makes TIE Fighter only a little closer to playable than Morrowind. This thing is really irritating me.

Currently listening to Tom Waits's "Whistling Past the Graveyard", which is appropriate given all the electrical appliences I have running close to me during this freak, rather fierce, thunder and lightning storm going on outside. It's very strange; I went into the mall, it was cloudless and astoundingly hot. I sat down to write in the food court after buying a coffee, and suddenly I hear a rumble distinctly reminiscent of thunder. I glance outside and immediately a whole bunch of water comes out of the sky.

It's very strange . . .

Monday, September 01, 2003

At the mall lately there's been a kiosk set up with some kind of new gaming system featuring old Nintendo games I recall from my youth. Games like Elevator, Contra, and Joust. Not to mention Super Mario Brothers, a game I distinctly remember spending five hours a day playing at my friend, and next door neighbour, Jesse's house. What an interesting feeling of nostalgia it was to watch kids playing this game at the mall, or watching people my own age playing them and probably feeling just as nostalgic about them. It occurred to me that my generation is probably the only one that's going to feel nostalgic about the original, 8-bit Nintendo system, and it seemed to me that this is a very strange thing as a human being. There are unique things about every generation, truly, but it seems to me that maybe generations are getting to be a little more unique. How greatly did past-times really change for people from 1800 to 1900? True, there was the Civil War and other social changes that would have made differences from one generation to the other. But if past-times changed, it was usually merely because it went out of style, not because it went obsolete.

But then again, I did, after all, just see the old Nintendo games at the mall so maybe there's an enduring quality to these games after all.

Maybe the advancement of video games, technologically, has moved so quickly that we've left valuable aspects of games behind? Maybe there's a hunger for a certain kind of game that gaming companies don't see the point in making anymore--this would explain the flash games people make in their spare time (like these). What these people are doing now just for kicks may have been hailed as conceptual genius just ten years ago. Maybe?

I'm reading Beowulf for class and I got to thinking about how often people have re-done Beowulf in film and literature (or even video games), or have drawn on it for inspiration. And Beowulf is, of course, quite old, and really, at it's heart, it is a very simple tale. When people look back to it, instead of any number of other, newer fantasy epics, what are they looking for exactly? Some granule of idea that imitators or inspired artists had never thought very relevant before but now seems tremendous in light of modern thoughts and sensibilities? Or just some sense of what these very different people were, and how they are like us enough to create an engaging tale . . . what has been lost in the evolution of literature, and what can be gotten back from the ancient grave and harnessed to-day to give us a rebirth?

Perhaps, hundreds of years from now, game makers will harken back to the days of Super Mario Brothers and wonder! . . . er, or maybe not. But then again maybe! Who knows? is all I'm saying . . .

Anyway, at the mall to-day, I noticed a little, four year old boy and girl--they couldn't have been more than four years old--playing Duck Hunt. And this little guy was very quietly getting a perfect score, hitting a duck with every shot.

And I thought to myself, "How interesting!"