Endless Gridlock

I walked to lunch again to-day--first getting turned away from one Japanese place because they apparently close at 2:30 in the afternoon. I walked across the street and ate hurriedly at another Japanese place, which closes at 3pm.

Part of the reason I've been wanting more exercise is that I've been getting some chest pains for the past week or so. On Saturday I got almost a stabbing sensation in the heart area, which freaked me out a bit, but I've been getting little pains in my chest for the past year or so, some even as severe, and for some reason I haven't paid them any mind. This one got my brain churning for some reason. I've decided it's probably due to heartburn or stress, as the jaw aches have come back, too, and I have noticed, waking once or twice in the night, that I've been grinding my teeth. Which is sort of amazing to me, because I never thought this was something I did.

Just talking about the idea that I might be overstressed kind of stresses me out a bit. Because I know a lot of people, particularly in my family, who would be kind of pissed off at me for claiming I was stressed. I've had this general feeling over the past couple years that I'm a sort of zeppelin of psychological triggers trying to navigate a narrow chasm of other people's brains. And then I feel presumptuous for thinking I'm that important to other people, and then I feel depressed about how I'm not that important to other people. But with a thorny list of crazy like that, how could someone feel totally at ease with me?

I also think sleeping during the night is contributing to stress. It's as though I feel there's a certain noise level the world needs to be at at all times. When I detect a certain ambience, I can sleep easy. The silence at night puts me on edge, makes me want to dispel it with activity. But I want to keep a daytime schedule for when I try to find work after I finish Venia's Travels.

I suppose chest pains seem like something one should see a doctor about, but I dread how expensive it'd be, especially since they'd inevitably want to do x-rays, which, even with my cheap ass health insurance, would cost at least seven grand, which I don't have. There's a very strong possibility my imagination's at its stupid work again, either contributing to the stress causing the pain, or misleading me altogether.

I watched Jon Stewart's interview with President Obama last night--I was newly impressed by Obama. Whether it's because he's great at playing the game or it's real, he seems genuinely interested in his job and realistic about it. But he disagreed with Stewart's idea that the changes to healthcare had been relatively "timid," and listed a number of significant changes that have been made, but I think what Stewart meant is that we still have a system where, unlike most other civilised countries, a guy can't see a doctor about some mysterious pain without worrying about it costing a few thousand dollars.

I heard a former Republican senator on The Howard Stern Show last week complain about how the Democrats have run roughshod over Republicans, refusing to compromise, and thereby doing a lot of damage--which is a common complaint I hear from Republicans. Meanwhile, last night Stewart voiced the common complaint of the left, that the Democrats have accomplished very little when considering that they control congress and the White House. When one wonders about the inability of congress to reach compromise, I think it's useful to reflect on the fact that Republicans consider one or two minor accomplishments by the Democrats as way too much. It's one of the main reasons I haven't been as interested in politics over the past couple years--I knew when the Democrats didn't get a filibuster proof majority it meant we were in store for endless gridlock.