So the new Doctor Who special was really bad. I won't confidently predict this one'll be universally hated, as I did for the last one, though I'd once again be surprised to learn it isn't. I mean, it's remarkable how an episode's every step can be a misstep. There was something wrong with almost every line and every shot.
Never has Jodie Whittaker seemed less like the Doctor. Too many people said, "That's impossible!" in this episode but it's particularly bad for the Doctor to say it when seeing a flying sailing ship. Even if this weren't the same character who'd starred in Enlightenment, the Fifth Doctor story about space-faring ships made to look like 18h century sea vessels, surely the Doctor's seen plenty enough strange things by now to know better than to immediately proclaim something impossible.
She also remarks on the strangeness of Sea Devils having ships, wondering why sea creatures would need ships. I don't know, Doctor, why would land creatures like humans need cars? Use your head. She wonders what Sea Devils are doing in 19th century China. Why wouldn't they be there? The Sea Devils are a variant of the Silurians, an intelligent species who dwelt on Earth long before humans. What difference would human territorial borders mean to them?
The Doctor is pleased to join forces with Cheng I Sao (Crystal Yu), based on the real life pirate queen. I wonder if the Doctor would so casually ally with a pirate with such a murderous and tyrannical record if it had been Captain Kidd or Henry Morgan. Madame Ching may from here commence a reign of terror on the coastal villages of China but at least they stopped those dratted Sea Devils from . . . What the hell were they trying to do?
There's a basic absurdity to Ching being introduced as a pirate queen immediately from the fact that she's all alone. She even has a massive junk that looks a lot more like an English man'o'war that she somehow crews entirely on her lonesome. The explanation? Her crew are being held hostage along with her two little boys. The boys make sense but her whole crew? Is she really trying to get a ransom for the random tars who'd signed articles on the promise of plunder? Who would think those men would be any kind of worthwhile hostage? What kind of pirate is she? What kind of queen, for that matter? The real life Cheng I Sao commanded a fleet.
Of course, a lot of decisions were clearly made due to Covid restrictions. But why even attempt a story like this? Why not have a bottle episode, or even one like the New Years special which, despite its faults, at least only needed a few characters.
The stuff about romance between the Doctor and Yaz (Mandip Gill) was a little better because at least it slowed the pace down. I've complained about the excessive closeups in the 13th's era plenty of times but here they were particularly bad in the jumbled, incoherent action sequences. However, again, the Doctor is saying all the wrong things. She calls Yaz "one of the greatest people I ever met." We know that's not true. Surely the Doctor should be old enough by now not to be given to simp hyperbole. She mentions her wife and then says she shouldn't have. Why not? And which wife is she talking about? Why does it sound like she'd only had one?
The two still don't have any chemistry. At least they seemed to be on the same soundstage, though.
Doctor Who is available on the BBC iPlayer.
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