How much am I a sucker for haunted house movies? Apparently enough of one I watched 2023's Haunted Mansion. Yeah, that's what we're eating over at Disney+ nowadays. It didn't go right down the gullet, to be fair. I watched the first few minutes and immediately perceived grossly incompetent filmmaking. But I've always prided myself on being able to finish watching any movie and, damnit, I wasn't going to be beaten by a movie based on my favourite Disneyland ride. So I strapped in and choked it down.
LaKeith Stanfield stars as grieving widower and astrophysicist paranormal investigator Ben. The first scene is an intensely banal meetcute, he and his future wife. Flash forward, and he's a depressed hard drinking tour guide for historic buildings in New Orleans, something you'd think would come into play but never does.
Meanwhile, Gabbie (Rosario Dawson) is a widow who has moved into the titular mansion with her young son and has found it's obviously, cartoonishly haunted. Can Ben and Gabbie meet and make a new family? Can they overcome their grief and help the innocent ghosts who are all quite friendly except for one wicked guy played by Jared Leto? Are you still awake? I gotta tell you, it was a constant struggle for me.
It's not the cast's fault. Ahsoka notwithstanding, Rosario Dawson is always reliable for some human warmth and Stanfield isn't bad, though he's clearly doing a Neil DeGrasse Tyson impression. The film also has Owen Wilson and Danny DeVito.
When Wilson's character is introduced, director Justin Simien goes in for a closeup on Wilson's hand as he removes his glasses, awkwardly breaking up the film's constant medium shots of actors in dialogue. What am I looking at, I thought. What is this? Why am I watching this?
The real failure is a lack of understanding of what makes the ride effective. The movie faithfully reproduces characters and scenes, like the stretching room and the ballroom. But it misses the underlying thread of menace and tragedy. On the ride, these are all damned souls. In the movie, they're just innocent victims. We needed bad people who died in gruesome ways. It would've been sensible to have guilty pasts for the main characters too, and, no, Ben lamenting that he couldn't tell his wife he loved her one last time doesn't count.
Did it scratch my haunted house itch at all? I liked how the interior of the house was an impossibly vast labyrinth. I like the aesthetic of the ride reproduced. Alas, it's spoiled by generic blue and orange colour tinting. No, I can't in good conscience recommend this movie. Go to Disneyland and the real Haunted Mansion. Assuming it hasn't been changed to ghosts chasing people carrying bowls of fruit.
Haunted Mansion is available on Disney+.
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