I've been growing a Van Dyke lately but since I wear glasses I'm a little worried I'll look like Colonel Sanders. I started thinking about other examples of men who combined glasses with a Van Dyke and I thought of Gary Oldman in Dracula. This led me to imagine the whole 1992 movie with Colonel Sanders in place of Dracula.
I imagine the scene in the church at the beginning with Dracula proclaiming "Chicken is the life and it shall be mine!" holding up a bucket of fried chicken instead of blood. On the carriage on the way to the castle, a woman hands Harker a necklace with McDonalds' golden arches and says, "For chickens travel fast". Then a host of chickens running about can be seen the swirling mist before the carriage approaches. Sanders is a polite host to Harker, treating him to a modest dinner of roast beef, but excusing himself by saying, "I never eat . . . beef."
Lured by curiosity and a familiar voice in the night, Harker makes his way to the bed chamber of Sanders' brides. Monica Bellucci arises from the bed holding a bucket of chicken. She sees the golden arches necklace and it melts before her fury. In the mirror above, we see Harker writhing on the sheets, drumsticks in both hands and a greasy wing in his teeth. Then Sanders appears, enraged. The brides ask if they are to have nothing this night and Sanders brings forth a live chicken. Harker, horrified, screams. Seeing this, Sanders cackles in sadistic pleasure.
Back in England, Lucy Westenra has been growing increasingly exhausted and Dr. Seward is confounded by the empty buckets and chicken grease on her bed every morning. One night, Mina follows Lucy as she seems to walk in a trance out to the garden. There Mina beholds Colonel Sanders making violent love to Lucy, fried chicken paraphernalia strewn about them.
Van Helsing is giving a lecture on the relationship between fried food and cholesterol when he receives a telegram from Seward. He leaves at once for London where he's shocked by Lucy's state. "This young woman needs chicken and chicken she must have!"
Later, the men emerge exhausted. Quincy, an American friend of the family, remarks the girl has had the equivalent of ten whole chickens put into her.
Mina, meanwhile, has struck up an acquaintance with a mysterious and charming colonel. "Chicken," he explains to her one evening over dinner, "Is the aphrodisiac of the soul. The chicken wants your soul. But . . . you are safe with me." The conversation moves to spices and Mina stands, imagining but perhaps remembering a particular combination of herbs and spices that blend with the juices produced by breaded and fried chicken. "Fried chicken of such rare and succulent flavour as to be found nowhere else . . ."
"There is such a chicken," says Sanders.
Alas, Lucy suffers a heart attack, her arteries utterly clogged after a night's feast in which her bedchamber seemed to her to be flooded with flavour.
Van Helsing knows this isn't the end. He and the other men creep into Lucy's tomb where they find her coffin vacant. Her reanimated corpse enters behind them, carrying a live chicken. Van Helsing subdues her with the golden arches.
In the asylum by Carfax Abbey, the mad Mr. Renfield deep fries flies and worms. Seward asks if he would like a kitten to which Renfield replies, "A chicken! A big chicken!" kneeling before the doctor and begging. Mina is brought to Seward's chambers in the asylum while the men break up the boxes of spices Sanders has stored nearby. Sanders sneaks into Mina's room and the two are sloppily feasting on her bed when Van Helsing and the others enter.
That's about as far as I've gotten. I feel like it would end with Mina chopping the head off a chicken.
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