Jungle Blur

I continued my impromptu survey of films counted among the worst ever made yesterday by watching 1981's Tarzan, the Ape Man. This one has a 10% score on Rotten Tomatoes and many prominent critics have gone on record saying it's one of the worst movies ever made. Wikipedia includes it in an article called "List of films considered the worst". It deserves its reputation. It makes Sheena: Queen of the Jungle look like Citizen Kane.

Top billing goes to Bo Derek and Richard Harris, who play Jane Parker and her father, James Parker. The story is only very loosely based on Edgar Rice Burroughs' original and a subtext of sexual possessiveness on the part of the patriarch is about as subtle as a whole ham on a paper plate.

And, boy, do I mean ham. Harris gobbles mountains of scenery. It reminded me of Michael Fassbender in 12 Years a Slave. There's not a nanosecond Harris doesn't find a way to squeeze in some shouted intonation or expansive gesticulation. Maybe the idea was that Parker'd gone batty living as a lone European in an African tribe who worship him for reasons never explained. It's oversold, to say the least.

Then Jane shows up and James at first mistakes her for her mother. Harris portrays James' lust for his daughter with the same degree of subtlety as everything else. I guess you could compare him to Klaus Kinski in Aguerre, the Wrath of God but where director Werner Herzog made Kinski's violent narcissism organic to the story, the director of Tarzan, the Ape Man is so out of his depth that Harris practically rolls over him and squashes him.

That director is none other than John Derek, husband of Bo. At the time Bo had declared she didn't want to make any more movies but movies directed by her husband, a gesture of matrimonial fidelity even more unfortunate than Kate Beckinsale's commitment to Len Wiseman.

John Derek shows absolutely zero instinct for composition or editing. Some of the shots do benefit from the film's beautiful Sri Lankan location but Derek shows no sense of understanding what's important to show the audience and what not. I remember how impressed I was by the shot of Tanya Roberts' swing on a vine to land barefoot on the ground in Sheena. In this, there's a shot of Bob Derek just climbing down a vine but she's almost totally obscured by a tree branch for most of the descent. I think she actually climbed down the vine without using a ladder but you can barely see it.

The action scenes are a blurry mess--when she's attacked by the boa constrictor, it must have been shot at a normal rate of frames per second and then slowed down later, creating a choppy effect. But it probably seemed necessary when the snake looked totally fake otherwise. A consequence of this is that the moment seems to go on forever, an action sequence of almost unintelligible blurred arms, scales, and splashing water.

You may have noticed I haven't even mentioned Tarzan himself. He's played by Miles O'Keefe--yes, that's right, Ator!--who was originally employed as a stuntman but had to replace the first actor when that actor suddenly quit and/or was fired (there are apparently conflicting accounts). O'Keefe never speaks, there's never even the "You Jane, Me Tarzan" moment. He certainly looks the part, though, and I can't really blame him for how it turned out.

It's a tough movie to get through. It has two good points. Bo Derek does look fantastic naked, and she's often naked in the movie or wearing see-through clothes, and Harris' acting is such a spectacle of actor's ego run rampant that it is kind of fascinating. But, boy oh boy, John Derek paces this movie like yoghurt through a tap.

X Sonnet #1866

In care of metal webs, the rust retreats.
The thoughtful poison moves the roots of plants.
Remembered itches weave the neural sheets.
A sudden question stopped the hill of ants.
The inland sea was really far away.
As far as out can make a crumbling hut.
But courage steels the buxom stowaway.
Detective Nose belongs to Mister Mutt.
The yellow jeep conducts a verdant key.
A smoking horn has lured the babes abroad.
A fire bird conveys the baker's glee.
A quiet man in lime does none applaud.
The mutant mammoth curled its softened tusk.
The pine became a shady blue at dusk.