Frenchman's Paunch

Years ago, when I was binging on pirate movies, I read about 1944's Frenchman's Creek but was unable to get my hands on a copy. Of course I wondered why. It starred Joan Fontaine, won an Academy Award for costume design, was a big budget film for Paramount and based on a novel by Daphne du Maurier. Why was it so obscure? Now I know why. It's unbelievably bad.

The first fifteen minutes or so aren't bad. The costumes are beautiful, particularly for a 17th century enthusiast like me. An early scene at a party, in which Joan Fontaine is menaced by Basil Rathbone much as her sister, Olivia de Havilland, was a couple times in the '30s, is kind of marvellous. But as time passed I started to wonder--where's the Errol Flynn or Tyrone Power of this movie? Fontaine's character, the wealthy Dona St. Columb, moves to the countryside and is promptly kidnapped by pirates, the captain of whom turns out to be the leading man, Arturo de Cordova.

Okay, I said the costumes were great, but this is a notable exception. This one has what appears to be a gut window. I was bewildered when I saw this thing. Who thought this was a good idea? Obviously standards of muscular perfection have changed. But I'm pretty sure this--jerkin? Doublet?--would look unflattering on Chris Evans. There is some historical accuracy in it as men did wear doublets unbuttoned in such a manner from the bottom, exposing an undershirt. Why isn't he wearing an undershirt? I can only presume this was for titillation, for those who like their men with soft, hairy bellies.

Even worse, it's the first time we see him, and you know what they say about first impressions. The movie proceeds to be an unabashed, wealthy woman's daydream about leaving her boring old life of comfort and wealth for one in which she gets to rob people and wag swords at them, though, notably, the pirates don't do much killing in this movie. De Cordova's performance is that of a smiling, mild mannered department store clerk guiding his wealthy patroness from one decadent display item to another.

Joan Fontaine, surprisingly, isn't much better. All the subtlety she exhibited in her films with Alfred Hitchcock is gone here, replaced by outright mugging. I was reminded of an Elvis Costello lyric; "She looked like she learned to dance from a series of still pictures." That's how I'd describe her performance here. She lumbers from one facial expression to another, at times seeming totally disconnected from the scene, at other times broadly projecting when her character is supposed to be keeping a secret.

I need hardly say she and de Cordova have no chemistry. She would've been better off with Basil Rathbone.

Frenchman's Creek is available on The Criterion Channel as part of a "Love in Disguise" playlist.