How to Make a Shiny City

The road to the city of gold is paved with bland musical numbers and boring jokes. And yet, 2000's The Road to El Dorado is not without its assets. Kenneth Branagh and Kevin Kline were born to play best buddies and Rosie Perez's character has some unique sex appeal. It's easy to see why these characters have inspired so much pornographic fan art.

It could have been so much more. I am happy to watch a buddy movie swashbuckler. That's why I love 1941's Thief of Bagdad. In those days, a movie studio didn't worry about losing the pre-K audience and deal with it by saddling a film with endless dumb slapstick. Swashbucklers of the '30s or '40s occasionally had good slapstick but, in the best ones, it didn't get in the way of a real sense of suspense or adventure. I guess the "comedy" in Road to El Dorado comes down to the underestimation of an audience that comes with corporate cynicism.

The title is a reference to the Bing Crosby and Bob Hope comedy films that began with the three words, "The Road to . . ." And, it's true, the stakes don't feel too sincere and the plots are idiotic in those movies, too. But the animation is very good in Road to El Dorado, and Branagh and Kline aren't comedians, they're better suited to being romantic leads. There was a good, earnest adventure film buried under the stupidity.

Branagh and Kline genuinely have good chemistry and they're charming. Perez's Chel is unbelievably sexy. When she oozes onto a chaise lounge or bats her eyes coyly against her shoulder she's captivating. Partly because she looks so odd. Her eyes kind of float around in her big pumpkin head and the ratio of her tiny feet to her thick legs brings to mind piano legs.

The songs by Elton John and Tim Rice are absolutely forgettable. John just seems to be rambling plot information.

For plot convenience, everyone, from Spain to 1519 South America, speaks English. Were the Hope and Crosby serials even that dumb? I feel like I remember some vaudevillian fake foreign lingo.

Anyway, there was a lot of jungle in the movie so I enjoyed that.

Twitter Sonnet #1607

As suThe twisted cap concealed the wholesome jars.
Beneath the sky of cheese the land's a crust.
And islands hight tomatoes, chives. and stars.
The desert rush became a golden bust.
A melted house was build beyond the ice.
We stored a pie behind the desk for brunch.
Deciding pies were good, we ate them twice.
Beyond a supper, servants fixed a lunch.
A golden city served a plump dessert.
The hapless echo found a heavy boat.
But precious metals live their lives inert.
And human songs can suck when sung by rote.
A painted jungle eats the best of friends.
Machetes make a trail that never ends.