Monday, September 22, 2003

. . . I can't sleep.

This may have to do with the fact that I slept in 'til 1pm on Sunday. It may have to do with the fact that I had four meatless, soy corn dogs for dinner. It may also have to do with the thermos of very strong coffee coffee I finished drinking a few hours ago. Or it may even be because when I lay down in my bed, my mind starts boiling about my current animosities, my current fears, and my current causes for sorrow.

This whole year has been one period of change after another.

I currently find myself at a point where I've realised that I can neither trust or depend on some of the people I once considered my closest friends. And of course, at the same time I have to be wondering whether or not I'm suffering from paranoid delusions. I have to wonder that, you see. I think it could have something to do with the fact that I grew up with a mother who quite casually and frequently lied to me in her attempts to manipulate me. And, in case anyone reading's ever given thought to trying out this technique, I'll tell you now it doesn't work. The truth is invariably found out, if not by the conscious mind, then at least by the spirit.

In any case, I currently find myself in a state where I am far happier alone than I am when I have meaningful relationships with other people. And it doesn't actually feel like there's anything wrong with me, it merely feels like a preference. And I still derive pleasure from superficial relationships, where I just chat or play with someone who shares my interests.

So why do I attempt to have deeper relationships?

Let's see . . . I guess it's not so much a need for companionship with a human, as it is a need to bond with specific humans. It's not that I seek a relationship, it's that I seek a soul. And the only path to a soul that I know of, is through a relationship. Is there another way to gain possession of a soul? Paging Mr. Lucifer . . .

Anyway, I did a new page of Doll Merchant. It's been a while since I've done a page at night . . .

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