Thursday, August 14, 2008

I have honey. Lots of honey. And I've been eating it at every opportunity. On my sandwiches and in my coffee. I don't quite understand it, but I've suddenly realised I've been preoccupied by honey for weeks. Sure, I've been drinking mead and reading about storing and transporting honey in the Middle Ages, but is that really enough to explain it?


Okay, Mr. Smarty Pants part of my brain. Explain this one away;

I read about the recent capture of Aafia Siddiqui*, a Pakastani neuroscientist with ties to Al Qaeda. When apprehended, Siddiqui had apparently been carrying a list of New York landmarks, including the Plum Island Animal Disease Centre. And why, I wondered, did that ring a bell?

Of course! The Montauk Monster!

Amongst the frenzied theories put forth to explain the as yet unidentified abomination from the black, boiling depths of Hell is that it is, "perhaps a science experiment from the nearby government animal testing facility, the Plum Island Animal Disease Center."

And it all falls into place; Al Qaeda's plan to overrun the country with cat sized, naked beaked creatures. Why doesn't anyone else see this? Siddiqui's a neuroscientist, which means the Montauk Monsters are likely to have super intelligence! They may already be swarming about our sewers and alleys, assembling their machines of war, poised to at a moment's notice rend the flesh from every American man, woman and child with their cruel beaks and flipper claws!

Why doesn't anyone do anything?! Don't you understand?! Who knows how many they've already gotten?! Sooner or later, they'll find us all! YOU'RE NEXT!!

*The article identifies her as a "Mata Hari". The writers on this article clearly didn't know shit about Mata Hari.

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