Tuesday, September 02, 2008

I've come to the conclusion that no amount of Morrissey songs can prepare you for your inevitable inadequacy.

I was looking at Sonya's journal again this morning, though I know I probably shouldn't, and I was reminded that she's a wonderful person. Every time I get bitter about all the love and attention she seems to get from people who know she hurt me, I ought to remind myself that I used to think she was the bee's knees, too, and now I'm negatively biased, perhaps by my own self-deception more than her blundering. She may not be a better person on the inside in a vague, metaphysical, unquantifiable way, but for all practical purposes, she's more attractive, nicer, and more successful than I am. I'd say more talented, but I guess that's subjective.

I wish all headway I make with reconstructing my ego wasn't dependant on lying to myself. I blow things out of proportion to make them less cruel, when it was probably just a matter of an innocent girl getting freaked out when a guy maybe liked her too much. And there's something I'd promised myself I'd steer clear of--innocent girls. Girls who talk to you like you're the greatest thing in the universe, until you start to believe it. Then something happens, a genuine mistake, maybe you don't even know what you did, and she won't forgive you. Why should she? You did something enormously stupid and/or mean. Only a sucker would forgive you.

I suppose my ideal is someone who can love their friends with their faults, not in spite of them. That's why I've had my fill of innocent girls for a lifetime. Before Sonya, even, there'd been girls who would tell me I'm the most magnificent thing in the universe within hours of meeting. And if I started to have faith in them, I'd get the rug pulled out from under me big time when I realised their words were poorly articulated or ill-considered exuberance.

But the question then is; do I feel inadequate because I'm less than the man it appeared she believed me to be, or because I'm less than the man I need to be to fulfil my own desires? I'd say the latter, mainly. I suppose I could take comfort in the knowledge that most people fall short of what they need to be. I think those that don't tend too often to misjudge how much they owe to luck.

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